I Am Exhausted

I am tired.

I am exhausted.

I am grateful.

I am tired of staring at screens, of my back hurting from so much sitting and staring at screens, of my eyes burning from too much blue light from all the screens. I have constant nightmares about Zoom waiting rooms and low-quality webcams.

I am exhausted from the technology glitches, the people who still do not remember to mute themselves, for every session starting late to accommodate the people who are not there while those who are there sit and wait. What do you have against starting on time?

I am grateful for the opportunity to connect virtually. I honestly do not know what I would do without it.

I am tired of working. All. The. Time.

I am exhausted from phone calls and video calls and virtual absolutely everything. I miss the connection of real life. Is this real life?

I am grateful for the opportunity to work and generate revenue.  I am grateful to keep this business going no matter how messy or difficult or how many times my cat’s butt ends up on screen. It ends up there a lot.

I am tired of worrying about money and how I am going to make all of these ends meet. I am tired for other people who never will.

I am exhausted from navigating the system of support that was allegedly put in place to support small business but somehow has not supported me in any way. We are in week 9 and nothing. Not a dime. Where did it all go? (I’m looking at you, LA Lakers).

I am grateful that I have been able to adjust, learn a ton of new technology (honestly, I am an official Zoom master) and serve clients in a now much broader and far reaching way. My business is stronger than ever.

I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of Friday nights on the couch, missing friends and family. I have not touched another human being in months.

I am exhausted from celebrating and connecting virtually. I want to celebrate with you, I mean really with you. I see you on my screen, but I know you are not here. When will you be here?

I am grateful for the opportunity to connect with friends and family. I am grateful to have friends and family to connect with. I am grateful for text chains that last all day long and Saturday night trivia and cards in the mail. I am not alone.

I am tired of conflicting information that is happening at the same time and that changes over time. I am tired of not knowing and not knowing when I will know. I am tired of misinformation and too much information and not enough information. Who should I believe?

I am exhausted by the division and anger and vitriol that all comes from fear but is hard to stomach anyway. I am exhausted by the hate. I understand everything is a mess, but where is the kindness? Where is the empathy?

I am grateful for the kindness and the empathy.

I am tired of being tired. From work. From loneliness. From a body that is far too stationery and vitamin-D deprived and enjoying far too much food that is only temporarily healing and ultimately harmful.

I am exhausted from feeling tired. And guilty for feeling exhausted because so many people have it so much worse, and what do I have to complain about anyway?

I am grateful for grace. For those who spread joy and kindness to those of us who are short and cranky and not our best selves. For those who are giving everything they have to be the change. For those who are putting themselves in danger to help the rest of us even though we take it for granted. We should stop taking it for granted.

I am tired of hoarding, price gouging, increased domestic/child abuse, far too many suicides and no Clorox Wipes to be found anywhere on the planet. My house constantly feels sticky. Why is everything so sticky?

I am exhausted by all of it. By the mess, the uncertainty, the suffering, the missing out on milestones and the absence of normal, everyday moments. I am exhausted by flattening curves and daily press briefings and masks that fog up my glasses no matter how hard I try. I am exhausted by talking about it and thinking about it and being absolutely overwhelmed and overtaken about it. What did we used to talk about before?

I am grateful for my health. I am grateful for those who do good things. I am grateful for a roof over my head, and food in my belly (even if most of it is junk) and clothes on my back. I am grateful to be working and learning and growing. I am grateful to have people to text and call and yes, even Zoom. I am grateful I figured out how to dye my own hair and make orange chicken and run a business from a smartphone. I am grateful to have cleaned out my file cabinet and my friend list and to finally sell a few things on eBay.  I am grateful for live Indigo Girls concerts and the Parks and Rec reunion show and health care workers standing in the streets. I am grateful for newly discovered hiking paths, newly read books and newly watched shows (Kim’s Convenience is a gem). I am grateful. I am grateful, I am grateful.

I am hopeful. I am hopeful. I am hopeful…

*********************************************************

If you are exhausted and need someone to talk to, email us at [email protected]  or call 703-688-2394.

*********************************************************