Throughout your career you will likely work in a number of different environments with a number of different people. You will spend a great deal of time talking about these experiences with people who will also likely work in a number of different environments with a number of different people. Regardless of how different these workplaces may be, however, there will always be something they have in common- these strange, sometimes maddening situations that seem to happen in every work place across the country. From bad bosses to kooky coworkers, it is not hard to find common situations that will provide some comfort, empathy and laughter- all much needed in a working world that can often try our patience. Below are 16 of the most common of these presented with a name or a phrase I have chosen to help create a common language. How many can you identify with?
The Classic Rephrase- This happens during a meeting when someone essentially reiterates a point previously made by someone else. For a variety of reasons (and it is often painfully clear what the reason is) the initial point is ignored. But when another person takes the same point and switches the words around- voila!- it instantly becomes a fabulous idea. The originator of the idea is left wondering what just happened. Did she forget to say it out loud? Was it all a bad dream? The real question plaguing me, though, is, does the rephraser realize he’s doing it? Is it deliberate? Or does he really think he is the one who came up with the idea? Has he effectively convinced himself of an alternate reality? What a skill!
The Flip-Flop- This has happened on nearly every assignment you have been tasked with since the beginning of your professional career. You attempt to create a product based on incredibly limited and nebulous instructions from your manager only to completely miss the mark. Your manager tells you all the things you need to change which you do, down to the letter. Proudly, you send the second draft to your boss only to somehow receive even more corrections and criticisms than the first time around. Confused, but determined, you make the requested changes, confident this time that you got it right. Only to have your boss make changes that revert to the way you had done it the first time. If not managed correctly, this process may never actually end. I am currently on draft 37 of a document I continue to resend to a boss I stopped working for in 2012.
The Feedback Clapback- Also known as, The Incredibly Resistant to Feedback Manager who Thinks She’s ‘Really’ Open to Receiving Feedback. This happens when a manager, often during initial introductions, declares proudly that she loves to receive feedback and wants you to be completely honest with her at all times. Until the very first time you mention that during her presentation it was hard to hear her in the back and that she may want to speak a bit more loudly. After which she will spend the next twenty-seven minutes explaining that she did in fact speak loudly enough and that if people in the back couldn’t hear maybe they should have come earlier to get a better seat. And then she mentions something about a grandmother with a soft tone and the power of speaking calmly to draw people in. As she begins shaking and sends you running out the door.
The Reluctant Doorman- Also known as, The Incredibly Irritable Manager Who Thinks Leaving His Door Open Means He is Honoring the Company’s Open-Door Policy. He will tell you early upon meeting that his door is always open and that you are welcome to come in anytime you have a question. He comes off so sincere you have no choice but to believe him. Until you come in casually one Wednesday afternoon to ask for clarification on an status report, and it takes him a solid 30 seconds to look up from his computer. And he only does so over the rim of his peepers, fingers still placed longingly over his keyboard. You think you hear him sigh but you can’t be sure. You’re almost certain he rolls his eyes, but that couldn’t be, could it? You forget what you walked in there for and never walk in again. Only to be told during your review that you do not take initiative or ask any questions.
The Guessing Game- This situation happens every year the day before a holiday or a long weekend. In a misguided attempt to be generous and whimsical, your boss decides to ‘surprise’ you by letting you out early. Except he does it every year. Except some years it happens at 2:00 and other years at 12:00 and one year not till 4:15 because he forgot to send the email. So you spend the entire time fielding anxious texts from friends and family wondering when you’ll be able to leave in order to get on the road. And you can’t ask your boss because somehow this is perceived as presumptuous. So you sit and watch the clock and grow increasingly annoyed. At this very generous and whimsical gesture. Every single year.
The ESPlease Just Tell Me- This is an all-too-common phenomenon that occurs when your boss is incredibly cryptic about what he is asking you to do. Any attempt to gain further clarification is met by empty platitudes, such as, ‘I trust you’ or ‘I’m sure you’ll do a great job.’ Except when you send him your final product, he is utterly confused because it is not at all what he asked for. You ask once again for clarification only to be met with a reiteration of the initial set of non-directives. You try once more only to be told, “You got it, kid”. So you go back for round 2. And 3 and 4. The first time it takes you less than 9 attempts, you are absolutely over the moon. It will likely take at least a year.
The Food Wars- There are so many iterations of this phenomenon that it warrants its own post. From reheating fish in the kitchen microwave to slurping noodles at your desk. From stealing other people’s food from the breakroom fridge to never bringing anything to company potlucks, food arguably causes more grief in the office than almost anything else. Some choose to suffer in silence while others exact revenge. Unfortunately since it seems we spend our lives at the office and we eat every chance we get, this phenomenon may be the death of the American office altogether.
The Cell Phone BlackHole- Regardless of the import or solemnity of the occasion, there will always be one person who receives a phone call in the middle of it. This happens at every single workshop, training, meeting and speech I have ever attended. There are multiple layers to this phenomenon that make it utterly fascinating. For starters, who forgets to turn off their ringer before entering a situation that prohibits them? Secondly, who receives phone calls anymore? Honestly. I don’t even know what my ringer sounds like. And lastly, why is the offending cell phone ALWAYS nowhere to be found? It is either deep in the recesses of a lady’s purse or somehow not in any of the 14 pockets of a man and his suit. When this phone call comes- and I promise it always comes- the offending party will never get to it before it stops ringing. Never. It is the most fascinating phenomenon I have ever seen.
The Michael Cera Introduction- This happens on every employee’s first day and sometimes during the interview process with a potential new hire. Normally, it entails the hiring manager or supervisor walking the new person around the office to introduce him to every person who works there. The person makes the introduction, “Ruth, this is Mike, our new communications associate”. Then Ruth says, “Welcome, Mike. Good to meet you.” And then Mike says, “Nice to meet you too.” And then no one says anything. For what feels like three and a half years. The person making the introduction seems not at all bothered by this while Mike is turning increasingly redder and Ruth turns to her computer to feign busyness, yet the moment lingers. It is the longest moment of your entire career.
The TPS Reports- Thanks to the popularity and relatability of Office Space, TPS Reports have come to symbolize this phenomenon in which an employee hears about the same infraction over and over and over again. Only to hear about it some more. This will happen both with the number of people mentioning it and with the number of times you will hear about it. Somehow on your review last year, that infraction from 2014 was discussed and affected your raise. Again. It will never go away. They will reference it at your retirement party. And then again at your funeral. That one time your quarterly reports were late. Literally. The one time.
The Dodgeball Maneuver- This occurs at every level of the organizational chart, and at its purest sense, is a masterful orchestration of postponing and avoiding. Sometimes it is an answer and other times it is an assignment, but either way, the phenomenon is the same- you are endlessly waiting for something. Someone promises to get back to you by a certain day but does not. When you follow up, there are any number of excuses you will receive. Though I have not been able to prove it yet, I am convinced there is a list floating around somewhere among this group of people who never get back to you, because the excuses are the same no matter where you go. From being swamped with other things to waiting on feedback from Dan in accounting, these expert dodgeball artists will never lose. They will only break you down.
The Lingo Bingo– This is a game that seems to happen during any conversation or meeting that lasts over 45 minutes. It includes a list of buzzwords that executives and those wanting to appear smarter than they are seem to try and squeeze in every chance they get in order to score five in a row (no free space required). These terms include (but are not limited to): taking a step back, seeing the big picture, scaling, piggybacking, transparency, synergy, thinking outside the box, bandwith, silos, low-hanging fruit, mission-critical, paradigm shift, pushing the envelope, unpacking, value-add and win-win. BINGO!
The Question Comment- This happens at conferences, workshops and panels during the Q&A portion of the session. Inevitably someone comes to the mic with what should be a question but instead turns out to be a lengthy, opinionated, and often wildly aggressive comment, posed with no hope or intention of a response. For some reason, no one ever stops this person, who apparently has no sense of time or decorum or what an actual Q&A session is intended to be. In the most impressive examples of this, the speaker attempts to get a second chance at the mic. And incredibly, she sometimes does.
The Waiting Game- This happens at approximately 97% of off-site meetings, trainings and workshops. The people in the room wake up extra early, fight through traffic and skip their regular coffee run in order to arrive on time, only to be told by the facilitators that they will be waiting a few minutes for everyone else to arrive. Out of respect. For the people who are late. To the people who are on time. These few minutes are never less than 15. On top of which, when the latecomers finally arrive, one by one, the facilitator will inexplicably stop speaking to welcome them and review what has already been said. After years of enduring this I rebelliously decided to show up late to a training once. Only to have it be the one workshop in history that started on time. The universe has a truly twisted sense of humor.
The Great Pretender- This phenomenon happens primarily in situations that involve money. It first shows up during the interview process, when, for some inexplicable reason, the employer sees no reason to disclose the salary of the position. The first interview concludes with no mention of it, and the interviewee does all he can not to ask because he has been told inexplicably that this is inexplicably rude to ask. So he waits patiently for the second interview when once again the topic never comes up. He has been told it is acceptable to ask at this point, so he does, nervously. Even though he is only here because life needs money. He does his best to act like it is no big deal. He tries to be as unconcerned as his potential employer seems to be. He can never match this apathy. This process will repeat itself when it comes time for raises. That he may never end up getting. Because he’s not sure if it’s rude to ask.
Death By Email- Much like the Food Wars phenomenon listed above, death by email takes many forms. From the oft-bemoaned ‘reply all’ to the person you share an office with who emails you instead of talking to you. To the guy who sends you an email and as soon as you see him, he tells you everything that was in it. Or the person who asks for clarification on something. One. Email. At. A. Time. This is either a masterful stalling tactic, a clear indication of having no idea what to do or a clever joke that is entirely on you. One of my favorites though was a supervisor who always wanted to have the last word, or the last email if you will. My colleague grew hip to this and kept email chains going for weeks. Weeks. With responses like, “Thanks so much!” “You’re welcome.” “Have a fabulous weekend!” “You too.” “I sure will!” Weeks.
Work can and should be fulfilling, valuable and inspiring. At times it can also be absolutely maddening. You can let the crazy parts make you crazy or you can learn to take them for what they are and have a good laugh about it. So share with us- what are some of your own crazy situations that you have learned to laugh about? We know there are so many more that could be added to this list. What did we miss? What would you add?
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