In my work with new supervisors, one of the most common topics of discussion is feedback. It has become a sort of White Whale over time, bigger and scarier in our minds than it ever really needs to be in person. But that is easier for me to say now that I am on the other side of it. When I first became a supervisor, there was nothing I dreaded more than giving feedback. My solution for a long time was simply to avoid it, but the negative consequences of this were too significant to ignore. Eventually, I learned to face my fears and see feedback for what it is- a valuable tool among many others to help support development.
In my own feedback journey from avoidance to reluctance to acceptance, I made a lot of mistakes and I had to shift a lot of my thinking. Just how many mistakes and how many shifts is far more than 5, I am sure. Below are the most common I have seen.
MISTAKE #1: Praise = Good; Criticism = Bad
Whenever I ask someone about the best feedback they ever received, they inevitably share an instance of praise. When I ask them to share the worst, they almost always share a criticism. Good feedback does not equal praise and bad feedback does not equal criticism. Feedback is good when it is effective and bad when it is not. In many cases, critical feedback can be far more beneficial than praise.
We provide feedback for many reasons- or at least we should- and when are providing it for the sake of performance, it is essential that we are clear, specific and actionable. Saying “good job on that grant application” might feel good but really, there is not much value in this type of statement. The recipient does not know what was good or why or how to make it even better. Saying, “your grant application had several typos and you did not include any data to support our impact. The stories you chose to tell were great. Next time include at least three pieces of data to complement the stories. And make sure you ask __________ to review it before submitting.” This may feel critical, but this is strong and helpful because it is clear, specific, objective and actionable.
MISTAKE #2: Feedback is not Personal
Many people get defensive when they receive feedback and in a misguided attempt to diffuse the situation, they are often told that it is not personal. But it is inherently personal, and we should stop pretending otherwise. You know that expression, “We do not see the world is it is. We see it as we are”? This applies to feedback, along with most everything else. Your favorite movie might bore me to tears and my favorite ice cream might not appeal to you at all. Who is right? In the case of feedback, we often assume that we are, that our perceptions are gospel truth: I think this movie is great and therefore it is is remarkably similar to I thought your presentation was boring so therefore it was.
Feedback can be highly subjective, and it is important that we present it as such. Here is what I experienced / saw / heard / felt. What about you? These types of conversations are far more fruitful than emphatically stating opinions as facts. Telling someone a presentation was not engaging is an opinion. Talking with them about why you did not find it engaging and working together to create something that reaches the goals you set is what feedback is born to do.
MISTAKE #3: There is a Time and Place for Feedback
Too many supervisors give too little feedback. When they do, they tend to reserve it for formal occasions such as annual reviews and one-on-one check ins. This perpetuates a culture of fear. For feedback to be effective, there must be a culture that normalizes it. From the first day someone starts working, I encourage supervisors to check in at the end of the day and have a moment of mutual feedback. Continue this practice each day for the new staff’s first 90 days and instill that culture in perpetuity.
Feedback is not just a supervisor telling a staff person what they are doing wrong. It should be a process where every member of the team can support every other member of the team- including the supervisor- by sharing their perceptions, thoughts and ideas. It should be constant and multi-directional. This helps leverage the gifts of the group and it makes the process far less foreboding.
MISTAKE #4: Feedback Should Just Be about Performance
There is a longstanding belief that feedback should be reserved for performance. This is both true and untrue depending on the situation. If you are still conducting traditional performance reviews where you assign scores that determine bonuses, it is important that your feedback is reserved for performance. But feedback is not just about reaching the company goals at the end of the day. In fact, some of the most challenging and impactful feedback is the kind that only indirectly relates to performance.
In many cases, what holds people back professionally may have little to do with performance. They may be perceived as unprofessional or aggressive or unpleasant to work with. They may have bad breath or B.O. They may come off as creepy or menacing. They may ramble too much in meetings or appear frazzled all the time. These are the types of conversations we tend to avoid because they seem too personal, hurtful or even none of our business. But these are the conversations that can literally can someone’s entire career and thereby change their lives. This is part of being a leader. Doing the hard thing because it is the right thing.
Ask yourself, if you were doing something you were unaware of that was holding you back, wouldn’t you want to know?
MISTAKE #5: Rejecting Feedback = Being Defensive
Manager often rationalize their avoidance of giving feedback based on their perception of their staff’s defensive reaction to it. It is certainly not uncommon for staff (and their managers!) to become defensive and there are many reasons for this, not the least of which is that most people only receive it occasionally and only when they are being chastised.
To counter this defensive reaction, many people are incorrectly coached to implement all the feedback they receive. The answer, per usual, likes somewhere in the middle. When someone offers feedback, it is beneficial to be open to it. No matter how self-aware we may believe ourselves to be, even the most self-aware of us cannot know what it is like to work alongside us or supervise us or be supervised by us. It is important, then, to listen to what people have to say and to thank them for saying it. As we well know (and the reason for this post) is that feedback can be hard for both the giver and the recipient. The fact that someone has taken the time to have that conversation is an indication that they care about your growth (or at the very least your performance). Thank them for doing so.
But do not feel that you are obligated to take everyone’s feedback as gospel truth. Again, feedback is inherently personal, and what the person is sharing is their own perception. Be curious about it and learn what you can from it. Ask others about it and see if there is a pattern that emerges. Ultimately, you are trying to be the best you can be, and you will not be able to do that without addressing the areas that are holding you back. Be open to hearing about them, seek them out and then really listen, even when it is hard to hear. Especially when it is hard to hear. In the end, if you simply do not agree, you have every right to do so. But if you find yourself forever disagreeing with everyone’s feedback, that is something to examine further.
Feedback is hard for most people both in giving and receiving it. There are a lot of reasons for this, and most of them boil down to the fact that we do not engage in these conversations nearly enough and when we do, we are not nearly as effective as we can be. The good news is, with intention and commitment, you have every ability to create a feedback culture on your team that works toward your goal of growth and development. Start by normalizing feedback and continue by working at it. Feedback is an essential part of helping people grow, including us. Keep working through the hard parts to get to the good stuff!
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